I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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