Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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