So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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