I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
