i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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