if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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