my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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