I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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