I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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