I skipped work to stalk him.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
