I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
