yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
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