I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Randomize
