btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
