and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
