I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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