I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
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