Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I am one with the molecules
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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