Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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