Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Less talking, more tequila
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
whose ass print is on the piano?
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
