I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
