Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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