FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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