mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
