They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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