I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
