Three words: puerto rican gang bang
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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