I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
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