Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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