Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize