If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
where does the pee come out of this thing
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
we're making bets on your personal life
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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