i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
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She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
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If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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