We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
