Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
