So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
