Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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