i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
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