yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I can't trust your balls anymore.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
