I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
