Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
