I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
He did a backflip because drugs
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
