He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
