Swine flu. Run for my life!
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
