I am full of burrito and curiosity
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
