Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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