There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
