Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
