Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Randomize
