Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
