You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
