I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
