Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
