I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
