My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
