I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Randomize
