dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
