So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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