i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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